Starting Again, With a sub?

Gradually I will fill you in on what’s been happening, but for right now, I need this space for my brain.


Last night I met man from a standard (non-sugardaddy) dating site. We had been communicating for a few weeks. He was open with me from the beginning about his sub tendencies and his great desire for BDSM. We are compatible on many levels, but I wasn’t really looking for a play partner of that nature.

I found him physically incredibly attractive, which is rather rare for me to find a cismale. I’m calling him Sylar because that’s who he looks like. Dark and handsome, but also a total geek like me. Our conversations ranged from politics to science fiction, but we always came back to sex-talk in a somewhat clinical fashion. When I mentioned I had a free day, he jumped at the chance and asked me to meet him.

We communicated frequently in anticipation of our meeting. Often the conversation turned to his desire to submit and I found myself reminded of my craving to dominate once again.

He described his foray and desires for anal penetration which only fed my cravings to dominate even more. If you follow my Twitter, you know I’m a sucker for pegging recipients.

After a casual meeting for dinner and coffee, we went to a couple of local sex shops. I had disclosed to him my experience with reviewing and my general knowledge base source for those matters sexual. When I did, he had told me he was using some KY lube. AUGH! So I took him lube shopping.

Lube shopping turned into exploring anal toys for him. Of course the options were severely limited, but he was able to purchase a couple of quality items and some great lubes. During the process of this shopping, we talked about sex, sexual interactions and D/s more than anything else.

We left the last toy store and stopped at a convenient store to grab something to drink. There we sat for nearly 4 hours, talking about our fantasies, limits, and goals. It was easily the most intimate conversation I’ve ever had with a person I had only just known for a couple of weeks.

We kissed a couple of times. It was quite passionate. We were high on all of the possibilities for play between us. We were being very clear with our communication, but it turns out we weren’t being as clear as we thought.

I’ve never entered into a relationship that started with some element of D/s. His goal is to eventually lead a completely submissive lifestyle with his partner. He and I both agree that we like each other quite a bit outside of D/s roles and that any relationship we start must contain some D/s initial elements. We both have experience bringing D/s into a totally “vanilla” relationship and were both uncomfortable with the power exchanges we experienced in the past.

Now my head is spinning. Prior to our telephone conversation tonight, I assumed he wanted me to start exerting a little control over him. I sent him an email with some of my expectations for his behavior and my expressed statements of what I would provide in return.

Then I panicked. I realized I maybe had misinterpreted what he had said, or maybe (being new to starting a relationship this way) I had been foolish in some assumptions.

We spoke on the phone prior to his responding to my email. In keeping with the nature of our very open communication, I told him how much I fear I will grow attached to him only to be disappointed. The D/s element makes me want to move much faster than I have been in recent months. Also, I honestly haven’t met anyone in three months that I even really wanted a romantic interaction with, much less meeting someone I really like who also clearly can fill the cravings I’ve kept at bay for so very long.

He said my email was a pleasant surprise, and not at all unwelcome, but that he felt it was moving too quickly. I agreed with him. We both agreed it is better for us to establish our pace without being in each other’s presence. Clearly that communication was fueled by our tangible attraction to each other in many ways.

I don’t know what to do with all this, but I feel better having gotten it out. Any advice is appreciated. Please do not tell me to read “The Loving Dominant” – I have several times. I would rather receive advice on how to pace the beginnings of these relationships.


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Scared & Needing

I’ve dealt with anxiety for years, but nothing prepared me for this.

I’ve been too sick to work, to concentrate enough to review, to really leave the couch much. I may leave the house 1 or 2 days a week. It started in December and has changed from fatigue to severe pain and retching vomiting.  Sometimes I also run a low-grade fever. I’ve had disturbed sinuses the entire time. My voice has remained raspy.

There are many, many nights when I am so exhausted, I take sleeping medication and I still can’t sleep for feeling so bad. My body aches wake me during the night.

I’ve been through two rounds of a serious antibiotic, as well as trying three narcotic pain medicines before finding a non-narcotic one that actually helps the pain. Because of these medicines, in addition to the ones I have to take to keep from having panic attacks, I can no longer drive. There is absolutely no public transportation where I live. It wouldn’t matter because most days I’m so fatigued I don’t want to leave anyway.

As I said above, I have one or two days a week I don’t feel quite so bad. I may be fatigued and have aches and pains, but I can at least go a little bit. Some days I can not take pain medicine and can feel safer driving. I enjoyed sex a couple of times. But…

This week, my body has gone downhill very, very quickly. I’m not able to eat as I should unless I smoke. Smoking sometimes makes me anxious these days so I don’t like doing that at all.

I have surgery scheduled for next week.Everything, from the outside, seems like it’s going to be okay. The problem is no one is realizing how badly my body is deteriorating.

My overall health has been failing since last September, when I had a Transient Ischemic Attack attack. It was the 3rd one I’ve had. The spring before that I had a strange mass in my abdomen with pain that finally went away when I stopped drinking diet drinks – but made me very sick in the mean time.

I’m very scared. I’d like to find out that I’m just suffering hypochondria – but that never happens. I am in excellent shape and take good care of myself when I am able. None of this adds up.

I started filming myself for my children. A video blog to them I suppose. I’m also going to start collecting pictures and things from my life and that I love to have for them.

Right now, I don’t feel like I’m dying, but if my health continues this way my children won’t get to know me as adults. That is the scariest thing in the whole world.

I going to write a list of all my sites and passwords. I’ve avoided that because I didn’t want anyone finding it, but it should be done.

My finances are in shambles, but I have excellent life insurance that is paid. All the money I have is secured to the children in the proper legal manner.

I was raised to believe in God, but now I don’t know what to call it. I think Buddha, Mother Earth, any of the others are appropriate. I pray to an unnamed higher power in my own way. I think we were all created to give our gifts to those who need them. My gifts are love and kindness and in the midst of all this I’m still praying to use them wisely.

What ever thought, prayer, other positivity you could send me would be greatly appreciated. Funny emails are also welcome. I don’t get to laugh much these days.

Thank you,

Peace, hope & love

**Please note my doctor is now attributing all this to the Mirena IUD I had for 3.25 years. Hopefully when I am better I’ll be able to give you all the details so you can know the warning signs that something is wrong with yours. The information about Mirena has all been tainted by its maker and doctors are not well informed of it. **

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Quick Update

(Redacted because it was boring)

I can’t wait to be back to writing more regularly and finally getting these reviews out. I’m just too sick to make much coherent though these days.

Don’t worry: I still see the positive. I’m happy most of the time. I am scared, but all I can do is have faith.

In the mean time, I think I’ll take him up on his offer.

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Yes, I’m falling in Love…but I am also:

Suffering severe uterine contraction pain and cramps regularly. The doctor won’t see me until next week. He just keeps calling me in prescription medication. Now he’s saying “it just takes time to heal after removing the IUD.” WHAT?! Does it really now? How does that explain that I had a good 10 days with no pain, then suddenly one night felt in labor pain and spent the next week in painful cramps?

Everyday I am choosing whether to suffer the pain or take the drugs. Neither option allows me to have a good quality of life. I cannot parent my children, drive anywhere, and can only eat if I smoke. I have a constant upset stomach. I am no longer working, and I have had to pull out of dance.

I watch the world from my picture window right now. There isn’t much to see. I’m bored constantly. Boredom does not go well with my naturally anxious manner. I over-think everything. Then I get depressed. I’m certain the medications have at least some hand in these issues.

All of my friends and family are angry with my doctor. They all want to know why he is not treating me. He isn’t treating me because I am on state-funded health insurance. It’s very obvious. No matter why you call, no matter how much pain you are in or what is happening, you cannot talk to a person unless it is to schedule an appointment. The government is paying him to not treat me essentially. The more patients he gets through the door, the more money he makes – no matter the quality of care he provides.

I also worry that I’m obsessing over Tim. I wonder if this falling-in-love feeling isn’t being fueled, at least in part, by my boredom and anxiety. He is really amazing. He likes me more than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s obvious. I like him a great deal too. I know that part is real – I just hope I’m not over imagining the rest.

If you have information or links or articles about severe uterine pain including a) no bleeding, b) labor back pains, c) pelvic floor cramping, I’d greatly appreciate you to post the link. From everything I read, the Mirena IUD I had removed should not have been causing this. It’s been 2 weeks and 4 days. I had this severe pain at the time of removal and it went away. I had 9-10 days of virtually no pain. Then suddenly the pain started all over 2 nights ago. I’ve already had good blood tests and a clean ultrasound.


Peace, love & hope


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Is This Love?

Am I falling in love?

Tim, f/k/a/ the Hot Dude, is so amazing. He is kind, funny, loving, sexy, smart, and so much more.

My brain slows down around him. We have these moments where we  just stare into each other’s eyes. His eyes are liquid pools that are constantly dancing. He is hiding nothing in those moments, and nor am I.

He thinks I am a “goddess.” I can’t recall anyone ever calling me that before. He says my “energy” is like a drug to him. He pulls me to him, pushing his face in to smell my hair. He takes deep breathes and then sighs and relaxes against me.

Each time we kiss is better than the last. Our bodies fit together so that we are equal. It is so comforting. In those moments I know that I am safe from heartache.

He has experienced me breaking down about my PTSD issues, and me suffering through some severe gynecological pain. He knows about the bad things in my life, and I know about his. We accept each other. Sometimes it is not easy to do so, but we both want each other so much that we don’t care.

He is 15 years older than I, but it doesn’t seem that way when we are together. He worries about what people will say. I told him not to worry: it’s not the first relationship I’ve had where people stared at me – all that matters is that we are happy and healthy together.

There are these songs about love I’ve been hearing often and I’ve so wished someone would think those things about me. He does. He truly does. I think those things about him too, but I am scared to tell him.

My current internet surfing time is devoted to finding the right quotes, pictures, music to share my feelings with him.

This all feels crazy. As if I am just losing my mind. Maybe I am, or maybe not?

Post Script 4.5 years later: Not love. He was telling at least 4 of us all that same stuff at a time – and we we all friends. Turns out he’s not sweet, he’s just stupid.

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Oh What a Night

Porn watching and masturbating. Seriously text flirting with a very Hot Dude I’ve known for several months. We’ve always wanted each other. Our mutual attraction energy is palpable at times. We talked for 2 hours last night. (More about him later.)

A flirty text exchange with the Coworker involving me getting spanked and taken from behind.

Great conversation with a great guy who I think could have potential life-mate qualities.

A booty call from Christian involving lots of oral, PIV and anal sex. Many orgasms.

First webcam mutual masturbation with my lust object. Very satisfying.

Hot Dude went out with friends, but wound up texting me begging me to come over for our first sexual contact.

An amazing local woman contacted me on a dating site.

I feel amazing. It’s awesome that all these people want me after having suffered Christian’s rejection. That doesn’t really hurt any more. I feel liberated.

Post Script:

I did go over to Hot Dude’s house at about 2:30am. Damn he is so fine. Unexpected in some areas (longer than average, but somewhat thinner), but whew. That was amazing & much needed. I spent 12 hours with him. He’d never seen a woman squirt before, so I taught him  how to make me ejaculate with his fingers. He was floored. He is a pussy-worshiper: something I’ve been needing for over a year now. Yum.

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Update: I am SINGLE

Christian was a horrific ass to me, but it was highly expected. He hurt me immensely with what he did. I still love him, but I clearly see he isn’t meant for me. I’ll probably still fuck him a couple of times, but that’s about it. Seems such a pity to say that, but oh well.

I am already looking forward. I’m going to find the love of my life. Only the best will be considered. I will be picky to the end.

Coffee on Friday? Yes, please. Dinner on Saturday – sounds great!

I feel liberated. I suppose that’s what I truly wanted all along.

On the physical health side: Today was a better day. The pain is much less intense than the last two days. I suppose the further I get from the doctor prodding my sensitive parts the better I will feel. I have another appointment in 9 days for more poking and prodding.

On the whole, I feel good.

I do miss him, but I’ll never miss the anger he displayed to me repeatedly.

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I Need Your Hope

Today I had my IUD taken out. The removal and following exam were excruciating. The pain was as severe as when I was in difficult labor.

I cried and moaned – something I never do. I’m always sensitive at those visits, but I usually am able to breath through the pain. Not today. The pain was so intense I could barely catch my breath.

Then came the best part: The doctor told me the IUD was fine.

It only took me a moment to realize what that means: it isn’t the IUD causing all the problems. (Although I highly suspect it was the initial culprit.)

The doctor reviewed my symptoms again and told me he thinks I may have something like/endometriosis. This news was very unexpected to me. He wanted to do an immediate transvaginal ultrasound, but he knew there was no way I could stand it. I was gasping for air, tears running down my cheeks. He had blood work drawn  and I made a return appointment for next week.

For several years I did not want to have more children. Then life circumstances changed, and although some times haven’t been the greatest, I’m at a much happier place.

Now that may not be possible. I am somewhat devastated. I do realize things could be fine. If you have a moment to send a positive vibe I could certainly use it.

I’m taking serious antibiotics and pain medicine until next week.

My question for you:

Do you have experience with endometriosis? Do you know of positive outcomes you can share? I need more hope than I have right now.

Peace and love,


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Saturday Night – What’s Up with That?

We’re watching the SNL skit “What’s Up with That?”

So true. What IS UP with:

My IUD is trying to escape. The doctor is making me wait for an appointment, although I’m having labor pains. He hasn’t spoken to me on the phone, but his nurse told me to take prescribed pain medicine. It does help – but geez. Monday will tell.

Christian is such a jerk to me at times. I’m sure I’m a bitch as well – but he was just mean to me the other day. I am sensitive to violence. I have nightmares and it hurts my heart to watch it. He wound telling me that was “ridiculous.” That hurt.

I’m still with Christian, but it doesn’t feel like. Case in point, he is going to bed right now without me. We never kiss unless we are going to have sex. Last night I tried to get him to just kiss me every once in a while. He was uncomfortable. So I don’t really think we are together…or maybe I’m just tired of him because he’s not the right one for me.

Communication with the object of my primal lust has all but ended. I feel it is caused by some feelings that are more than lust. I’m okay with that, but I find myself missing that connection too.

For some reason I don’t really understand, I have created a profile on a dating site. I’ve already found two local people that I would potentially like to have as a sexual partner and three other people I’d like more from. At the least, I’d like to go on first dates with these people.

That’s a comedy itself. I sometimes talk about it on my Tumbler.

All things considered, I do have a good life. Even though I’m a wreck I am certain I am grateful.


In other news

I gave a most excellent blow job last night. I absolutely loved it. I’m surprised by that as I’ve never really enjoyed dealing with a penis that much in the past. He fucked me with his fingers and I taught him how to properly stroke my g-spot. It was fantastic.

I’m looking for information about harnesses: specifically one made for double-penetration during PIV. Please leave your link/information below or email me! I’m specially concerned with the penis not being really restricted by the lower ring.


Peace, Love, Hope


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Bring It or Lose It


If I give you my time, I expect to you to give me yours.

If you are attracted to me, you should compliment me when I compliment you.

If I gift you a gift, I expect you to thank me.

If you are uncomfortable, you are as capable as I of saying so. Just because you look young doesn’t mean you’re immature.

If I risk for you, you should risk for me.

If you smile, I will smile back.

If I am more than you can handle, move on because I handle me just fine.

If you don’t step up, you’ll not make the cut.

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