We are all affected by our surroundings, no matter how hard we try. Two months ago, I started writing again for this blog. I have several pieces in several stages: from simple one-line ideas, to complete pieces that just need final editing. I wrote and wrote and wrote because I felt it coming from me again. I love writing. I love writing online.
I have been slow to publish what I write because I feel like a fish out of water compared to the amazing writers I’ve known and read for years. Through sex writing, I’ve known the several of the people I list on my blogroll for almost 7 years. (WOW) Many of them tell me to publish what I have to say – that it is relevant and useful. I appreciate such encouragement and know that other sex writers will not crucify me based on how much I do or do not write online.
Then disaster struck. A fire destroyed one of the homes in which my children live. The house is simply gone now. It burned all the way down to the foundation. Thankfully, everyone was able to get out safely. Still, the horror of that night and the resulting stress from it have eaten away my libido – and my desire to write. (It makes me question how much I really want sex or writing that so many things can dampen my spirit so easily.)
Perplexingly, at the same time I am orchestrating a threesome between myself, my partner, and another friend. We have all been together before, so some of the awkwardness is already gone, and it is all fun talk leading to the day. Well, it is supposed to be. I feel like I have a new type of bipolarity: I go from extremely horny when talking about or planning the threesome to extremely turned off when not discussing that specifically. It’s like the stress won’t let anything else through.
I don’t understand how my brain can simultaneously be so depressed and so horny. I believe it is really that I am carrying a lot of depression without giving it its fair weight. The threesome is a way to escape the depression – a way to ensure happiness at least in my sex life. I suppose it does make sense I am using sex to escape depression, but why can’t I use daily sex with my partner that way? Why does it have to be living out some fantasy to feel excited about sex?
Don’t get me wrong: my partner is fantastic at sex. We have a variety of sex, often with a variety of toys. My partner can make me orgasm in under a minute sometimes. My partner loves to please me, so sex is always very pleasing for me. The thing is, I just don’t really want it right now. At least, not the daily stuff that I already have. I want more and going after more is nearly the only thing that turns me on right now.
I am on new-to-me medications that are known to inhibit libido. Why I cannot accept that means me too frustrates me. In fact, the depression on the whole is very frustrating. It’s such a cycle: I’m depressed so I don’t want to have sex; then I’m horny but I don’t want to have sex because my body feels gross (physical depression); then I feel awful that I don’t want to have sex so I get more depressed.
Being horny is cyclical too, but the cycle consistently gets interrupted by the depression.
At some point, I would like my life to look a certain way. At some point I must accept my life is what it is, and that includes being depressed and horny…and frustrated by both.