Scared & Needing

I’ve dealt with anxiety for years, but nothing prepared me for this.

I’ve been too sick to work, to concentrate enough to review, to really leave the couch much. I may leave the house 1 or 2 days a week. It started in December and has changed from fatigue to severe pain and retching vomiting.  Sometimes I also run a low-grade fever. I’ve had disturbed sinuses the entire time. My voice has remained raspy.

There are many, many nights when I am so exhausted, I take sleeping medication and I still can’t sleep for feeling so bad. My body aches wake me during the night.

I’ve been through two rounds of a serious antibiotic, as well as trying three narcotic pain medicines before finding a non-narcotic one that actually helps the pain. Because of these medicines, in addition to the ones I have to take to keep from having panic attacks, I can no longer drive. There is absolutely no public transportation where I live. It wouldn’t matter because most days I’m so fatigued I don’t want to leave anyway.

As I said above, I have one or two days a week I don’t feel quite so bad. I may be fatigued and have aches and pains, but I can at least go a little bit. Some days I can not take pain medicine and can feel safer driving. I enjoyed sex a couple of times. But…

This week, my body has gone downhill very, very quickly. I’m not able to eat as I should unless I smoke. Smoking sometimes makes me anxious these days so I don’t like doing that at all.

I have surgery scheduled for next week.Everything, from the outside, seems like it’s going to be okay. The problem is no one is realizing how badly my body is deteriorating.

My overall health has been failing since last September, when I had a Transient Ischemic Attack attack. It was the 3rd one I’ve had. The spring before that I had a strange mass in my abdomen with pain that finally went away when I stopped drinking diet drinks – but made me very sick in the mean time.

I’m very scared. I’d like to find out that I’m just suffering hypochondria – but that never happens. I am in excellent shape and take good care of myself when I am able. None of this adds up.

I started filming myself for my children. A video blog to them I suppose. I’m also going to start collecting pictures and things from my life and that I love to have for them.

Right now, I don’t feel like I’m dying, but if my health continues this way my children won’t get to know me as adults. That is the scariest thing in the whole world.

I going to write a list of all my sites and passwords. I’ve avoided that because I didn’t want anyone finding it, but it should be done.

My finances are in shambles, but I have excellent life insurance that is paid. All the money I have is secured to the children in the proper legal manner.

I was raised to believe in God, but now I don’t know what to call it. I think Buddha, Mother Earth, any of the others are appropriate. I pray to an unnamed higher power in my own way. I think we were all created to give our gifts to those who need them. My gifts are love and kindness and in the midst of all this I’m still praying to use them wisely.

What ever thought, prayer, other positivity you could send me would be greatly appreciated. Funny emails are also welcome. I don’t get to laugh much these days.

Thank you,

Peace, hope & love

**Please note my doctor is now attributing all this to the Mirena IUD I had for 3.25 years. Hopefully when I am better I’ll be able to give you all the details so you can know the warning signs that something is wrong with yours. The information about Mirena has all been tainted by its maker and doctors are not well informed of it. **

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One Response to Scared & Needing

  1. Sandra says:

    Damn honey – I hope you feel better soon. How awful…

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